Chapter Text
There was a loud sound; an incessant buzzing that would not stop, no matter how much Inara wanted it to, dragging he back to consciousness. Something shifted behind her. Warm skin brushed against her arm but left just as quickly. The sound was gone less than a second later. She mumbled something, still half asleep. The skin contact was back; warm against her back. Inara opened her eyes, blinking against the light, and was met with her handler’s face only inches away from her own.
“Go back to sleep, darling,” Liliana whispered into her ear, then shifted her hand to stifle a yawn.
Memories flooded Inara’s mind: the reveal, hours spent walking, the run, getting discovered. And now, she was here: in Liliana’s bed, with the handler’s arm casually flung over her naked body. Going back to sleep didn’t feel feasible, not when questions began flooding her mind. Liliana was so close; she could reach and wrap herself around the other woman, pretend for a little bit that what they had was real, and not just part of academy training. Something in her eyes must have betrayed the turmoil because the handler looked away.
“You need more rest,” she said.
Inara needed an excuse. “Breakfast,” she blurted out. “Handler Ashbark will punish me if I miss it.”
Liliana looked back at her. “I can talk her into forgiving you this one time,” she chuckled, then added with a more serious tone of voice. “How are you doing?”
It was Inara’s turn to move her head away. “I don’t know. Still thinking,” she admitted. “I wanted…” She stopped herself; her wants were not important. “It’s irrelevant, I guess.”
“Hey,” Liliana whispered. “What you want still matters. Your happiness matters,” she added and shifted to be closer to Inara; their bodies touching.
“Can I ask a question about the future?” She asked, feeling tears welling in her eyes and hid her face against the mattress.
“You can now,” Liliana answered with a sigh, and when Inara did not respond instantly, continued, “I hated it, keeping the secrets. I would have told you, if I could, but…” She stopped. “I’m sorry. If it were my choice, I would have told you everything earlier.”
That would have been nice to know before Inara had the audacity to fall in love. If she knew earlier, she would have squashed that feeling before it had time to grow into what it was now. She swallowed hard before speaking.
“After the training…” She paused, uncertain. “Once handler Ashbark is not… Will I… I mean…” She was having a hard time asking, afraid of the answer. “Who?” She managed to push the one-word question past her lips.
“Who, what?” Liliana asked, confused.
“Who will be my handler?” Inara asked quickly, afraid that if she didn't say it right now, she might never gather the courage again.
Liliana sighed. “There are options,” she said carefully. “Generally, before you are full-time, the academy brings in someone that they deem compatible,” she explained. “Someone who matches your preferences and is willing to work with you. They do a trial period, and if it works at the end of your training, there will be a handover of the handler title in the system,” she explained. “For you, that would likely be a woman interested in pursuing a sexual relationship,” Liliana’s voice wavered.
“Oh,” Inara felt tears gathering in her eyes. “All right,” she added as her heart plummeted into a pit of despair.
“But,” Liliana continued. “And I know this is too fast to talk about it seriously,” she added. “Technically, as your primary training handler, I’m allowed to make an ownership request.”
Inara’s head launched up, looking up at the woman next to her with wide eyes. “Please,” the words left her lips before she could stop herself.
Liliana blinked once at her, clearly stunned by the sudden change in Inara’s behavior. “I’ve been considering it,” she said slowly. “For some time now. I won’t do it without your consent,” she added quickly.
“You have it,” Inara said while nodding eagerly. “I’m yours. Please. I don’t want anyone else.”
She sounded pathetic to her own ears, but that did not matter. There was a chance; a real chance. Liliana wanted her. She felt tears returning, this time happy ones. She could be a horse, and Liliana would be her handler; just like she’d been dreaming about in the privacy of her mind. It could all be real. She scooted closer, pressing herself against her handler, then embraced the other woman.
“Easy, darling,” Liliana said with a sigh. “You should think this through properly.”
“No,” Inara mumbled. “Yours,” she added.
Liliana’s arm tightened around her as she felt the body next to her shift. “Darling,” there was a hint of warning in Liliana’s voice. “You’ve only just found out yesterday. I need you to think about it.”
“What’s there to think about?” Inara responded. “I get to be a horse, and I get to be yours.”
“I’m serious,” her handler said while pushing her away. “Once you commit, there will be only a few chances to go back, and the academy will do their damnedest to keep you,” she added.
Some of the euphoria left her at hearing those words. Inara lifted her head away from the other woman’s shoulder reluctantly. “I know,” she said. “I’ve been thinking about it all yesterday. It’s…” She paused. “I understand. Maybe not completely yet, but I do understand.” She swallowed. “It’s scary, but I think I want this. Any time I think about leaving, it feels wrong. I’ve wanted this for some time now,” she added. “Just didn’t know how far it would go, but-”
“It’s been a fantasy,” Liliana interrupted her. “This is real,” she added. “I’ve seen what it does to someone after a long time, and they’ve seemed happy, but…” She stopped. “It will change you. The mind can take only so much before you start losing yourself, becoming more animal than human,” she added.
“I know,” Inara insisted. “Then I won’t have to worry about stupid things,” she said. “I could just exist. Always horny,” she added with a smirk and then sighed, looking down at the sheets. “All of yesterday, all I could think about was you, about being yours. The thought of some stranger being in charge is the scariest part.”
“Oh, darling,” Liliana said and pulled her closer. “This conversation is not over,” she added. “You can change your mind.”
“I don’t think I will,” Inara said, her words coming out more confident than she felt in reality. “It’s not so bad,” she added. “Being a human is overrated anyway. It’s all just problems and people being assholes. All of that goes away when I’m a horse.” She paused. “And what’s the alternative anyway,” she added with a shrug. “My life sucks. This is-”
“Stop,” Liliana interrupted her. “This is not a good reason,” she added. “That’s just running away from being a human.”
Inara looked up at her, confused. Was that not the whole point? Not being a human was the decision she was making. Having one extra reason to do it was just icing on the proverbial cake. She took Liliana’s expression in: lips pressed into a thin line, eyes shining with concern and determination. Why was she trying to talk Inara out of it so hard anyway?
“Do you not want me to do it?” She asked after a moment.
Liliana sighed. “I want you to make an informed choice,” she said. “I know what’s at stake. I nearly left the academy when they told me, but then professor Burte said that they need people like me more than anyone else…” She paused and took a deep breath before continuing. “This whole thing is a fucking joke,” she said, sounding angry. “I don’t think it was ever meant to be done like this.” She sat up on the bed, waving her hands as she spoke. “It’s about personal commitment, and they’ve turned it into a fucking business. Everything needs to be optimized.” Liliana’s lip twitched in a caricature of a smile. “It’s like…” She waved her hand. “They justify their calculations with bullshit ‘observed satisfaction’. And I’ve been just going along with everything, fucking enjoying it.” She hung her head. “Maybe I’ve let the fantasy impact my behavior, but you’ve been so…”
Inara lifted herself to sit opposite her handler on the bed and moved her hand, placing it gently on Liliana’s shoulder. “Hey,” she said softly. “I’ve enjoyed it too. Maybe not the stress test; that was bullshit,” she added. “But I can’t just ignore that it feels right. Maybe the system gave me this simply because it’s right for me. Maybe the gods made a mistake when I was born a human, and I should have always been a horse,” she added with a chuckle.
Liliana looked up at her. They stared at each other for a long moment before the other woman smiled weakly. “I think I’m starting to understand why professor Ashbark keeps referring to you as an emotional support animal.”
The idea was so bizarre that it made Inara laugh. “Sure,” she choked out in between bursts of laughter. “Whatever you need.”
Liliana’s smile grew. Something in her eyes changed; the small spark of something Inara could never name lit back up. “Darling,” Liliana said softly, prompting Inara to stop laughing and look at her. “I think… No. I know. I love you. It’s al-” She tried to say something else, but Inara interrupted her.
“I love you too,” she said with a beaming smile spread across her face, then without waiting for an invitation, leaned in to put her head on Liliana’s shoulder. “I love you so much, handler,” she added while nuzzling in, feeling the weight of keeping the feeling to herself lift off of her heart.
She felt Liliana’s shoulder shaking ever so slightly before strong arms wrapped around her torso and pulled her closer. It took her some time to realize that the other woman was crying, though she could not for the life of her figure out why. She only knew that she needed to make it better, so she shifted her legs in an effort to press herself even closer, to leave no inch of skin without some kind of contact, and once she’d deemed it good enough, sighed contentedly.
The rollercoaster of emotions that had been the last day or so washed over her. She had been stupid, she realized. Instead of coming straight to her handler to tell her everything that was bothering her, she stubbornly tried dealing with it on her own, forgetting that her handler would always make it better. She didn’t have to wonder what the future would look like now; she would be a horse, and more importantly, she would be Liliana’s horse. She would belong to the woman she loved, and who loved her back… Liliana loved her: it felt so bizarre, so impossibly crazy that she would not have dared to ever dream about it, and yet, now that the words had been spoken, she believed them wholeheartedly.
---
Inara walked into the cafeteria with her handler right next to her, their hands clasped together, and looked immediately towards their table. They were a few minutes late but still within the breakfast serving time limit, and her current concern was focused on which of her friends showed up. Her eyes quickly scanned the table: Marianne was sitting with a book in hand, her bowl of oatmeal looking untouched as her eyes frantically scanned the pages. Jess was here too, eating quietly, as if everything was normal. Leo sat next to handler Junes, but his posture betrayed tension. Zachary was nowhere to be found, perhaps for the better, Inara thought. He had always cared about the potential money as much as the training, if not more.
She felt her hand being tugged. “Come on,” Liliana said. “Let’s get you fed. You need the calories.”
“Yes, handler,” Inara responded instantly, falling into step as they made their way towards the counter.
The lunch lady gave her one glance before reaching for a bowl: oatmeal and a glass of water. At least the grain looked cooked today. Inara took a tray and, without a word of complaint, put the offered food on it, then stepped to the side, letting her handler choose her own meal while she waited patiently. She looked at her food. So maybe she didn’t like it, but whether she did or not, it was going to remain a constant part of her diet now, because she didn’t get a choice, and not having a choice was right. Liliana stepped next to her; their eyes met for a moment, then Inara glanced at the plate of grilled sandwiches.
“If you want-” Liliana started speaking.
Inara quickly shook her head. “No need, handler,” she said. “This is how it should be,” she added and smiled at the other woman.
There was a ghost of something that didn’t feel quite right to Inara in Liliana’s expression as the other woman nodded her head and made a beeline for their table. The others glanced up at her, all but Marianne, who was too engrossed in reading to pay any attention. Leo turned towards her instantly, worry marring his expression.
“How are you?” He asked.
“Alright,” Inara responded. “Did some thinking. Decided to stay,” she added. “You?” She asked.
“I don’t know,” he answered. Short and to the point, nothing like the man she’d gotten used to.
She nodded her head and sat down in her usual spot, with her handler following right behind her. There was a hand instantly reaching for her ear, making her lean instinctively into the contact as she started eating. It didn’t taste too bad, she decided. Maybe she was getting used to it finally. She glanced up at Marianne, tilting her head to read the title on the book cover. ‘Introduction to healing magic.’ That made sense; her friend was always curious about things, wanting to know every detail, and now she could. She glanced up and noticed Marianne’s gaze on her.
“It’s all so fascinating,” her friend said, acknowledging her presence. “Did you know they dry the milk first?” She asked, but before Inara could respond, continued speaking. “They get all the water out, until all that is left is this powder,” Marianne explained. “And then mix in other stuff that will help with certain conditions. It’s insane; only about half a percent of it is the milk in the end, and that’s more than enough for most of the medicine to be effective.” The speed at which she was talking made Inara’s head spin as she tried to follow. “And then they turn it into these hard bricks and press them into pills. It’s, you know… All the strong stuff, or specific meds. It’s the only way to get dementia under control, for example, and can even reverse some of the damage. Or those creams that heal scars and burns and such. That’s made with milk as well.” The impromptu lecture finally stopped.
“Sounds important,” Inara responded truthfully before asking the more relevant question. “So you are staying then?”
“Well, I have to, right?” Her friend asked. “I mean, this is… There are only eleven of us currently alive,” she said with a serious tone of voice. “That’s why there are sometimes shortages or waiting lists,” she added. “It’s the right thing to do. And besides,” she added. “I like it. Now it’s just a matter of finding a way to optimize my output.” She turned towards Adam as she said it. “We’ve gotta figure out what is the best way of doing that.”
“Slow down there, cutie,” he responded. “First of all,” he said, sounding serious. “The best efficiency usually corresponds to personal predispositions,” he answered. “Something that is already being taken into consideration.”
Inara’s heart skipped a beat. How the fuck had she not connected the dots before? Her instant love for the tack, sudden addiction to anal sex, the transparent belt improving her efficiency, the edging! Was this really so simple? The things that she enjoyed were improving her efficiency? Why the fuck did the handlers not tell her that before? She turned towards Liliana and opened her mouth, then closed it, suddenly self-conscious about speaking in public, then shook her head; the others would get it.
“Does that mean that I’ll like it? The new skill?” She asked.
Liliana sighed. “Like is a complicated term in this context,” she said finally. “If you get it, and it’s still an if, then you should, in theory, find it…” She stopped, clearly searching for the right word.
“Enjoyable?” Inara asked, then, before Liliana could continue, added, “I do like all the edging,” she admitted. “The constant need drives me mad, but in a good way, you know. Although the idea of going without an orgasm for long is…”
It was Inara’s turn to fail in finding the right word as she struggled to describe how the idea made her feel. Not scary, more like thrilling and intimidating at the same time. Gods, she was going to be turned into a mush. Suddenly she was reminded of the belt around her hips. She wiggled, making the plug shift inside of her, and cursed under her breath.
“Darling?” Liliana turned towards her; brows furrowed in an expression that Inara had learned to associate with concern.
“Just got horny again,” she admitted.
There was a sound of laughter coming from the other side of the table. Inara glanced up, seeing handler Junes laughing. “Oh, she’s definitely getting that skill,” the man said while holding his belly and chuckling. “It’s like you two were made for each other,” he added.
Inara chuckled as well; maybe they were. It sure felt like it in that moment. She leaned against her handler’s shoulder and smiled. The atmosphere around the table shifted slowly, back to the comfortable camaraderie that she’d learned to love in the past two months. Only Leo remained pensive, looking off into the distance while slowly eating his breakfast. It hurt to see the usually cheerful man being this quiet, but Inara could not figure out a way to try and make it better. There was nothing she could say to change their new reality for him.
“Well,” Liliana said. “I’m gonna go give the morning report to the professor,” she said as she shifted in her chair and leaned to whisper into Inara’s ear. “I’ll be back soon, darling,” she said and kissed her on the top of the head. “I would like to talk some more later,” she added.
Inara lifted her head up, freeing the other woman to stand up. “Of course, handler. Meeting back at yours?” She asked.
“Yeah,” Liliana replied while standing up. “Here,” she added while putting the key to her dorm on the table, next to Inara’s food tray. “Let yourself in.”
---
Being alone in Liliana’s apartment was a strange feeling. The contrast between her own small space and this luxury was startling, and Inara could not help but wonder why it was like this. There was only one conclusion for her to reach as she stared at the painting; it was another way for the academy to remind her of her place. She turned and paced, exploring the space, trying to learn from it as much as possible about her handler. The textbooks on the table tempted her; she grabbed one titled ‘Advanced efficiency calculations’ and flipped to a random page. Inara was not sure what else she should have expected from a book with the word calculations in the title, but that was exactly what she got. It was mostly long equations with more variables and brackets than her mind cared for. She flipped the pages until she found actual sentences; it was just a guide explaining all the variables. Base attributes, equipped gear, health, nutrition, sexual gratification, submission… The list went on and on. It was worse than the physics class back in school. She closed that book, happy to remain ignorant, and picked up a psychology one instead.
When Liliana came back, Inara was too engrossed in reading to even turn around. It was all laid out before her eyes so cleanly that it hurt; conditioning techniques explained in detail. But it was not all bad; there was a chapter on maintaining a stable mental state, a guide on recovery in case of any failures. It read like a mix of cruelty wrapped up in a nice safety blanket that promised a way to fix things if it went wrong. There was even magic that could help restore a mind before retirement. She heard her handler shuffle behind her, then a hand was gently placed on her shoulder. Inara paused reading and looked up.
“You can keep reading,” Liliana said. “You should know everything.”
“I…” She began speaking. “I knew it was complex, but… That’s a lot,” she admitted.
“Yeah,” her handler answered with a nod. “And it will happen to you,” she added.
Inara could only nod. She saw it a bit clearer now; constant reliance on others to function, being pushed to the point of exhaustion to prevent her from thinking too much. She found herself silently agreeing with the last one; her mind was quieter when she was a horse. She liked the silence; it kept the stress and panic away.
“Am I broken?” She asked suddenly.
“Not yet,” Liliana chuckled darkly.
Inara shook her head. “No. Not like that. Just as a person. I get so stressed all the time, and panic constantly. But it happens much less when I’m a horse,” she explained. “Maybe the human part of me is broken,” she added after a second of silence.
“No, it’s not,” Liliana assured her. “You can talk to professor Burte if you want,” she added. “He could probably try giving you anti-anxiety meds.”
Inara shifted in her chair. “Tried some, felt like shit. They told me to keep taking them, but it didn’t get any better. When I’m a horse, it’s a little bit better,” she admitted.
It had taken Liliana a long time to answer, and when she did, it was mumbled so quietly that Inara could only catch the general sentiment; it did not sound like her handler was happy. She closed the book and leaned back toward Liliana, rubbing her head against her stomach.
“Is it wrong that it helps?” She asked. “Is it wrong of me to want it?”
“No, of course not, darling,” Liliana answered quickly. “It’s not about you wanting it. It’s about your reasons,” she said.
“I also think it’s super hot,” Inara responded, trying to lighten the mood. “Being so completely yours,” she added. “Aroused and denied, working hard,” she bit her lower lip. “All for my handler’s pleasure.”
“That,” Liliana’s breath hitched. “Sounds like a much better reason, but I still think you should try some meds. Maybe you were getting the wrong stuff.”
“Yes, handler,” Inara replied and bowed her head.
“Only if you are alright with doing it.”
Inara smiled. “If you think it might help. You are the one in charge of me after all,” she said, and when Liliana glanced down at her, quickly added. “I like when you are in charge; that has nothing to do with my stupid anxiety.”