Chapter Text
What's a liе? What is true?
How do you find a way out?
When what's left appеars right?
And what's right's always wrong?
Clinging to sanity or embrace the fantasy
***
"You have some gall."
The grave stands before him. He's on his knees. Defeat pulls against his body, making him want to give under its weight. It's like an invisible cloak, sinking his shoulders and placing enough pressure on his skull to make him hate supporting it. He can't take it off. He'd sink under it if he didn't have an audience. He wishes he would leave. He hates this.
Or maybe it's the pressure between his eyes that he hates. He claws his fingers into the dirt to ground himself. It doesn't work. He blinks, looking down.
"Coming out here- Acting like you care-"
Raph doesn't answer. He exhales, slow, as his fingers curl into a fist. There should be dirt under his talons, scrapping across calloused hands, but there's no sensation of it. He brings his hands up, specks falling to the ground in a stream.
"Desecrating his grave."
Raph turns his head. He can see his brother clearly. His stance is strong, eyes narrowed with the accusations, lips pulled up in disgust. The farmhouse behind him is an abstract smear, a coat of colors with no shape or meaning. He squints at it and the fuzz that lines the- Walls? Roof?
He looks at the grave. It's also a solid shape, firm and haunting, drawing all the light away from the vague fog of trees. Raph rubs his finger and thumb. The dirt doesn't feel like dirt.
He. Doesn't think?
"You did this."
"This is wrong." Raph stands. "Isn't it?"
"You bet it is." Leo breaks into his personal bubble. Raph doesn't react, not immediately. He doesn't feel like he should. Or can. Or can? "You're alive. He's not."
"Leo." He says. The trees move. Or shift. Like there's wind. He doesn't feel wind. Or hear it. He doesn't hear anything. "I don't know what's going on."
"You're playing dumb." Leo's glare burns. His words are the only sound. They echo and swarm in the nothing, making goosebumps rise on his arms. "Fine. Play dumb. It won't change anything. It won't change what you did."
"What did I do?" Raph looks at the sky. He tries to remember what color it's meant to be. "What are we doing here. I thought-" Thought what? "I- Where is here?"
"Already forgot the place where dad died?" Leo waves a hand at the water tower. "You would, wouldn't you?"
Oh. Here. Raph hates it here.
"Let's go." He turns to go, but Leo grabs his arm. "You're staying."
Frustration hardens his stance. "No, I'm not."
Leo laughs, mocking. "What are you so scared of? Shredder's gone. I took care of him. I saved this family like I always do."
"What has gotten into you?"
"Maybe I'm waiting for you to take responsibility!"
"For what?!"
"Letting our father DIE!"
Raph freezes. And then he tears his arm free. "You did NOT-"
Leo smacks him.
He backhands him, so hard that he stumbles under the force.
He presses a hand against the sting. That wasn't a silly Captain Ryan slap, one meant to calm and somehow reassure, never intended to hurt more than his pride.
It did hurt. And his glare promises that he meant it to.
It's such an unexpected turn of events that Raph can't figure out how to react.
Leo has no such problem. "Don't you take up that tone with me."
"You hit me." Raph lowers his hand, voice dropping. "You hit me."
"Like you haven't taken worse." The sneer triggers the usual reaction. Muscles tense, teeth bared, he steps forward to give him a peace of his mind-
And he steps into something wet.
He looks down. And sees his own reflection in the puddle of red.
Raph scrambles away from it, scarlet following his steps tauntingly. He looks across the rooftop, where blood stains are not longer stains, as fresh as the evening that he watched them fall.
"No." He chokes. "No, no, no- what's happening. What is this?"
"You know." Leo is walking towards him, but he stops, suddenly, and somehow Raph knows it's exactly where he was when- soft smile- blurred grey- blade soaked in blood he's screaming Raph's screaming- lifting up his BODY- SENSEI NO-
He clamps his hands over his head. Each breath rings in the silence. Leo's speaking his name. He's shaking his head. Someone's screaming. No one's screaming. He doesn't want to be here. He doesn't want to be here. He doesn't want-
Someone's behind him.
He spins around and kicks as hard as he can.
April makes a sound at the connection and then goes flying, right off the side of the roof.
"No!"
He's moving, running, stopping, terrified of what he'll find.
There's a deep abyss of black. No body. Just- nothing. Nothing?
Then where did she go? What did he do? What-
A hand on his shoulder.
He whirls, every muscle locked to not make the same mistake.
Donnie glares at him, poking his chest. "You could have done something."
"No." He chokes on the word. "No, Donnie, I couldnt've-"
"You let down your guard. You weren't fast enough." Raph hates every word that falls from his lips, but somehow he knows, he knows, that despite the bitter and ugly edge, they're all true. "You did nothing. Even after he died, you just stood there."
"I didn't know what to do." He pleads as Donnie breaks into his personal bubble, finger bending as it remains pressed against his chest. "I just- I didn't-"
"Years of ninjutsu, of battle, of everything." Donnie's hands shoot for his chin, throwing his body back, holding him over the edge. "And you didn't know?"
Raph latches onto one of his arms, frantic. "Woah, woah, don't-!"
He throws him and Raph falls.
He hits the bottom with a gasp.
Raph sits up, arms flailing, feeling his shell.
He's intact. He fell and fell and fell and he's still-
"You're supposed to protect us."
Raph's heart sinks. Mikey's sitting in front of him.
His arms are crossed over his legs. He won't face him.
"He chose you. Out of all of us, he chose you." He sniffs, wiping at his eyes with a clenched fist. When he looks at Raph, the tears are gone. He only looks mad, more furious than Raph has ever seen. This isn't a tantrum. This is sincere. "He trusted you and you let him die."
"I tried, Mike." He pleads as he gets on shaky legs. He takes a careful step. "Shredder wouldn't give up-"
"So you did?" Mikey's voice darkens. "That's it? I don't get to see Papa again because you decided it was better to give up?"
"That's not what I-"
"And if another Shredder comes? If he comes after me- are you going to give up then too?" Mikey is at his feet now, standing taller as Raph shrinks back. "You're just going to let me die? Me or Donnie or Leo- really? Really?"
"No, no, I wouldn't-"
"Dude. If you couldn't protect him, what makes you think you can protect us?"
Raph's mouth opens but he can't answer. He knows what he wants to say. He knows what he wants to promise. But now, he's not so sure.
He's not sure he can promise and then keep it.
He hasn't been able to answer that question for months.
"You're going to let me die." Mikey murmurs eerily. He shouldn't be able to hear the accusation, but he does, in the echoes that bounce in the dark around them.
"Brothers are supposed to protect each other."
("Brothers are supposed to protect each other.")
"I know-"
"You're supposed to protect me!"
("You're supposed to protect me!")
"Little brother, listen to me-"
"Why would you let me die?"
("Why would you let me die?")
"I swear, I would never-"
"Why would you do that?"
("Why would you do that?")
"Why?!" Mikey's running at him. "Why why WHY WHY WHY WHY-"
He feels the collision but the weight isn't there when he hits the ground.
"You're so disappointing."
Raph looks at his older brother.
Leo stares down at him, almost bored, hands on his knee pads as he bends so their faces are opposite. "You know that?"
"Yeah." He says bitterly, heart pounding and hands shaking. "I guessed."
Leo chuckles hollowly. "There's not a day that goes by when I don't wish you were someone else's problem. Wonder what my life would look like if it was you instead of him."
Alright, that is it!
He rolls and jolts to his feet, facing his brother with a glare soaked in defeat. "Look, I'm sorry, okay! I didn't get to choose who died!"
Leo crosses his arms. "Would you have made it you?"
Raph's mouth goes dry.
"Would you?"
"I..."
"Yeah." He hisses. "I didn't think so. You're so selfish."
"For what? Not wanting to be killed?" Raph snarls. "Sorry we aren't all suicidal like your highness! Sorry my first instinct wasn't to run over to the edge of the roof and check to see if he'd actually fallen! Sorry I didn't throw myself over with him since you can't stand me!"
"Sorry sorry sorry," Leo mocks, mimicking a mouth with his hand. "You're always sorry. You're always whining about how sorry you are- but only after some gets hurt or kidnapped or killed. You were soooo sorry after Splinter died, but did anything change? Are you better now? Got that temper under control? Ready to turtle up and deal with your emotions?"
"I have been-!"
"Don't lie to me." Leo's eyes flash. "We both know you're the same that you've always been. Too big for your shell. Too willing to tick off the world, regardless of how your stupidity might effect everyone else. You can't even make a friend without almost killing him first."
"Are you talking about Casey? I-I saved him-"
"After almost stabbing him through the skull!" Leo shouts. "And you've treated him like garbage every night since then. You don't think he notices? Do you even care?"
"Of course I care!" Raph throws out an arm. "He never said-"
"Like he's going to risk ticking you off!" Leo throws out his arms, pointing at him for emphasis. "You're not exactly a safe person to make mad, Raphael!"
"I wouldn't hurt him." Raph doesn't know why he's saying this. "I wouldn't have hurt him."
"Yes you would have." Leo grins. "And you wouldn't have hesitated either. You never do."
Raph doesn't have a response. The expression falls, letting his brother's face go shadowed.
"Everything you do is dangerous. You drag danger along with you like a sick pet. I can't stand being around you, a whiny baby who shrieks when he doesn't get his way. How long until your recklessness kills one of us? Are you gonna stand by and watch that happen too?"
"I'd never-"
"I don't care what you tell yourself to sleep at night. I want the truth. Will you stand by? Do nothing as someone stabs one of us from behind? You didn't move. Didn't even flinch. You just watched. You just watched our father get murdered and did nothing."
Raph wants to deny it. He wants to, but he doesn't.
Leo shakes his head, "Admit it. You were scared. Big bad Raph was scared! So he let our father get stabbed and thrown off a roof. How can we trust you to have our backs when you didn't have his? How can we trust you when that reckless abandon will fail us when we need it most? What kind of a brother are you?"
"What kind of a son are you?"
"What kind of a son lets his father die?"
His eyes sting with tears, "I didn't want him to die!"
"Then why are you getting all defensive? Why are you angry- upset?"
Raph covers his eyes. Leo drags his hands down, locking them in a tight grip. "If it's true, then look me in the eyes and tell me so. Tell me that's not what happened. That you didn't just stand by while our father was slaughtered. That there was nothing you could do to save his life."
Raph can't. He can't. He failed him, and that failure weakens his voice, "Leo..."
"Yeah." He throws his hands and steps back, like he was sharing space with something infected. "Yeah, that's what I thought. You don't deserve to be a part of this family."
His voice shakes, "You don't mean that."
"I do." Leo doesn't look at him. "I've known that for a long time. I bet you have too."
Raph shakes his head. Leo starts walking, moving in a slow circle around him. "We all saw how eager you were under Shredder's control. How perfect. How obedient. Did you ever think that I might have meant some of what I said. That those thoughts were in my head for a reason?"
His breath hitches. "You were trying to make me mad. You were-"
"Have I ever been that good at lying?" Leo leaves his sight. Raph can't breathe, hands sliding along his head, trying to process this. "It would have been so convenient for you. To throw anything at us and then blame it on the brain worm. You never were one for taking responsibility for your actions. No wonder you were so calm."
"That's not what happened!" He whirls, trying to find him. "And you know it!"
"You ever notice the parrels?" Leo appears in front of him, looking into the distance. There's a burning house crumbling across from them. "A brother consumed by jealousy and hatred, a brother who earns everything coming his way. A brother who fights by his anger, a brother who wins with his love. Raphael and Leonardo. Saki and Yoshi."
"I'm not him."
"What was it you once said? The only way to win is to be as ruthless as the villains? I wonder what this team would look like if I followed your advice. Would we be like, oh, I don't know- the Shredder?" The air caught in Raph's throat. He did say that. "Is that what you've been doing? Copying him? Emulating him?"
"I..." His throat closes as he spots Shredder standing on the steps. "I'm not..."
"It would explain so much." They watch him raise his blade. Somewhere out of sight, they hear Splinter wail. "I wonder how often Splinter looked at you and saw that monster. How many nights he spent in fear of what you'd become."
"I'm trying." He chokes. "I'm trying-"
"Not enough." The house is gone. They're in the dark. Leo's eyes are cold. "He did his best to prevent it, and in his passing, you choose to desecrate his memory by neglecting everything he taught you. How many times do we have to drill in the same lessons? How many times are you going to lose control? How long until I have to choose between our little brothers and their abuser? How long until you become just like him? How long until you become that monster?"
"Ą̸͓̣̥͉̑̽ḿ̵̧̋̕ ̶͈̕͘I̸͔̲̎͆͌̃͗ ̴̛̘̥̤̒̍̉̎n̴̼̦̅̐́ȩ̶̨͉̌̾̍͝͝x̷̧͓͛̋͑̏͛t̷̛͚̊̋,̷̡͎̤͍͐ ̶̨͉͖̼̍͑̄̂̽̂b̴̠̳̺̕r̶̡͖̖̥͉͇̈̈́͆̃̽̎o̷̺̝͍̗̊̀̍t̸̬̮̭̥͖́̊̋̂̈́̽ḧ̴͈̻̜̣̭͙́͘ė̴̢̟̃̈́̓͒͝r̸̼͎̠̿̍̎?̸̤̞̒͗̐̈́̑̆"
"I've seen you. We've both seen you, time and time again." He circles him, slow and dark, watching him cripple under the weight of his words. "You lose your temper and we pay for it. Tale as old as time. Your family pays for your insecurities, your weakness, your failures."
"I don't want to-"
"How long Raph!? How long?!"
"I DON'T KNOW!" He whirls on him, tears streaming of their own will.
A glint of satisfaction enters his gaze, even as he steps back, as if some part of his truly believed Raph would attack. It wipes away the glare, freezing the words in his throat as Leo warns, "There it is again. Fifteen years. Fifteen years and you're still the petulant toddler screaming and hitting when he doesn't get his way. A monster lurking behind our family's good name."
He swipes at his eyes, voice small, "I'm not a monster."
"Aren't you?" Leo matches the volume, eerily soft. "Look what you've done."
Raph turns to follow his accusing finger. There's a body lying on the floor, blood spatter on the walls, matching the rugs beneath his feet. Mikey's skull has cracked against the wall, mix of blood and bone and brain searing down to where his body lays decrepit. The front of his face is sunk in, covering in sickly bruises and a large, three-fingered stain. One nunchaku lies uselessly against his leg. The other had been crammed into his mouth, breaking his jaw to reach the throat, forever silencing the laugh and smiles of it's master.
Raph runs.
He drops at Mikey's side, shouting his name over the pounding of his heart and the silence that echoes between them. Leo's voice rings clear over it all. "You always did wonder if Mikey had a brain in there."
Raph can't breathe. He can see it clearly; the smirk on Mikey's face before he uses his own nunchaku against him. The fear in his eyes when Raph enacts his punishment.
There's satisfaction when his jaw comes loose, only to be overwhelmed by frustration when he screams.
He hates that he still manages to ignore Raph's attempts to shut him up. He hates that he never listens. That that empty hole where his brain should be is so massive. His skulls cracks against the wall, silencing his bratty mouth and giving Raph room to think. Just in case, he rams it twice more, hot fury leading every-
Raph tears his hands away, staring at the blood staining them.
Leo says, "He was scared of you. We've always been scared of you."
"I didn't mean too." He whispers, as blood drops onto the plastron that he remembers beating life out of, even when the heart had stopped beating. "I was mad."
"You're always mad. And then we suffer because you can't control yourself."
"I can't control it." He stands. "What do I do? What did I do?"
"What did you do? You killed them, that's what you did."
"No." Raph spots Donnie lying at Leo's feet. "No!"
His carapace has been caved in, cracked along the edges like something had smacked it hard enough to break and then didn't stop. His bo is next to him, snapped in half, soaked in blood and flaked in pieces of shell. He crosses the distance, hands hovering over what can never be undone, coming back to cover his mouth. He can picture every time that he'd knocked on Donnie's carapace, using his shell as a drum to play a triumphant tune.
"I did. I didn't. I'd never-"
It was meant to be a joke. It was meant to be a joke until it wasn't anymore because he wasn't backing down and he'd lost. He'd lost but he wouldn't admit it- wouldn't admit that he was weak- so confident with his big brain and smug grin. Well, if he was so smart then he'd be able to stop him, right? He'd be able to stop him when he teaches him a lesson!
He wanted to see Raph lose his temper. Then he would lose his temper. He'd lost and he wasn't calling uncle so Raph kept hitting and hitting until the shell started coming apart underneath him, stabbing down the bo staff like an explorer marking new land-
His blood's on his hands. He kicks away from his body, staring down at them while they shake.
"Leo." His eyes cloud with tears. "Leo, what did I do? What did I-"
"You killed us."
Us.
Raph can't look, but he does.
His gaze falls on his brother, one of his sais firmly lodged in plastron. Leo tears it out. Blood sprays down to his belt, droplets tapping the floor in a trail. It leaks from the corner of his mouth as he opens it to speak, but no words follow his final ones. Raph watches him hit his knees, glazed eyes rolling upward, body falling limp against the ground.
Only then does he move. Only then can he force his body forward.
"LEO!" He goes to his side, scooping him into his arms. He pats at his face, trying to get any semblance of life in the blank gaze, nausea claiming his throat and closing his airway, "NO! No, not you too, Leo, please, Leo, wake up, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'M SORRY!"
His head falls limp against his shoulder, heart still when Raph presses a finger against it. "I'LL DO BETTER! I SWEAR- I SWEAR I'LL BE BETTER PLEASE JUST WAKE UP WAKE UP!"
He buries his head against his older brothers, pain streaming out in a long wail that rings in his ears. He strokes over his arm, over and over, to keep the warmth under his fingertips as he chokes on the saliva in his mouth, breathing in the spray of tears. "I'M SORRY SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY BROTHER PLEASE!" His voice gives out beneath him. "Don't leave me don't I'm sorr-sorr-no-plee-hnnghh-"
He squeezes and rocks and sobs until the body safely in his hold isn't there anymore.
He gasps harshly when this sinks in, falling forward as panic chokes him. He's not in the dojo anymore. He's not in the dojo he's in the dark everything is so dark where is he where are his brothers he didn't mean to he wants to go home-
He curls into himself, hands clawing at the muzzle spikes when they try to go for innocent skin. His face is sticky and wet and he feels disgusting- he killed them he killed him he's a monster- but he can't stop crying. He can barely get the air in his lungs to keep crying but he can taste blood in his mouth and he doesn't know why he can is it the blood their blood is it still on him is it on his hands his FACE HIS MOUTH-
He can feel the blood on his skin their blood their BLOOD and he wants it off he wants it off him he killed them he killed them why dID HE DO THAT-
He screams as tries to rip the muzzle from his face and the scent of copper reaches his nostrils more clearly and his tears burn as they mingle with the wounds on his face but he killed them he killed them he deserves the pain why would he do that why is he a MONSTER it should have been him it should have been him WHY DIDN'T SHREDDER JUST KILL HIM-
He wants them back he wants his brother he wants his brothers they didn't deserve that why did he do that he wants his brothers he just wants his papa please papa please-
He loses himself in the pleases that he's screaming into open air, or maybe only in his head. He doesn't know who he's screaming to or why his mouth is still moving or why he's alive to do it when they should be alive- them them- not him- his brothers-
A speckle of yellow catches his attention. The green claims it.
His head snaps up so fast it hurts.
His brothers are all standing there. His brothers- his brothers- his brothersbrothersbrothers-
"Raphie." Mikey whimpers. "Why won't you leave us alone?"
Raph had been running to them, but he stops in his tracks.
None of them are smiling. They're not happy to see him.
They look defeated, broken, worn down.
"Why can't you leave us alone?" Mikey's fists clench. "Why do you keep coming back?"
"We both know you're not going to change." Donnie's eyes water. "We just want to feel safe."
"Safe in our own home." Leo whispers. "Why is that to much to ask?"
"I need you." He begs. "I need you I need-
"What about us?" Donnie presses. "What about what we need?
"I-I can't be better without you- p-please-"
"It burns." Leo gasps, words wobbling and shattering in ways that they never do. "Every second next to your burns and I can never make it stop. It never stops!" A blur cradles his form, spreading until Raph can't tell the difference between his hands at his side and his plastron. "You never stop hurting us. Can you blame me for wanting time away from you? Can you really blame us after everything that you've done?"
"You beat down on us every day for every little thing- you've never respected us. You never saw us as your brothers." Donnie's skin begins flaking off, floating down with the steaming tears, flooding the ground with the different colors of their scales. "Who treats their brothers that way? Who talks behind their shells- so- so hatefully that you teach your pet that you hate your family so much that he should murder us all?"
"Do you hate us?" Mikey's sobbing, body bleeding into a full grey, mask oozing down a body that's losing form, turning a shade of black that almost makes him blend into the room. Almost black, except for the bright blue of glassy eyes. "Do you hate us that much?"
"Is that how you truly feel? How do you think that takes us feel?"
"You know it's hard to love you, right?"
"It's so hard. So hard that sometimes I wonder what it would be like if you weren't here. If I didn't have to lie to myself every day and say that you'd change, you'd get better, there was hope for you."
"Look at you. Day in and day out- a fiery powder keg about to explode. Don't you get tired being angry all the time?"
"You destroy everything that you touch. And then you get mad at us."
"Like we're the reason you can't control yourself."
"We can't fix someone that doesn't want to be fixed."
"Some days, you seem better. There's potential. And then you go right back to hurting. Back to hitting and shouting and threatening for the tiniest incontinences. You're pathetic. And you know it."
"I don't know why you don't put us all out of our misery."
"'Mmsorry." He doesn't believe the words, if the thundering of his heart is anything to go by. How can he be sorry? If he makes the same mistakes, bears the same flaw, gives into the same anger- has he ever been sorry? Has he ever meant it? Does he even know how? "I'm sssorreh I'm sohreh 'mmsohreh 'ms-so-sso-"
"I wish you were dead," Donnie begs.
"It should have been you." Mikey hiccups.
"Not Splinter." Leo sobs.
As one, their voices drop into a growl. "It should have BEEN YOU-"
Something leaps out of the black with a shriek. Brown fur, wild eyes, sharp teeth that snap at Raph's face- he feels them claw into skin and he screams, thrashing under it and barely managing to throw it off.
"You should be dead."
Another shadow charges at him, eyes a stormy blue, but it phases right through, touching like frigid ice invading his flesh. It explodes in a flash of light behind him, feeling like fire across his skin, burning him- too cold, too cold.
"I wish you were dead!"
A shadow lurches down from the roof. Brown eyes flash as smoke seems to billow out behind him. It hits him like gravel, a million concrete bricks throwing him onto his carapace, and disappearing into the ground.
"Why won't you die!"
Bright blue eyes, cloudy like the sky, stare down at him. It leans, slowly and methodically, until it's unnaturally close to his face. The sob cuts out, splattering into little hiccups and soft whines as he waits to see what he'll do. What he deserves.
A white grin cracks across the black, an awkward zig-zag that looks like it was carved into a mask by an angry toddler who hated the craft.
"I'll stay."
He chokes, breath shaking, falling into a relieved little sob.
"You still want me to stay, right?"
"Dohn't leave me." His voice barely penetrates their brother's whispers. "Donnn't leahve me here."
"I can't." The cracks peel wider. "Not unless you let me. Will you let me?"
"I don't want to be alone." He stares at up him, arms shaking with the strain of holding the position. "Don't leave me alone."
Mikey walks two fingers up his chest. He pokes his forehead.
It feels like a nail plunged into his skull. He crashes down at the blinding pain.
"Love hurts." Mikey hums as he pulls it out. "You taught me that. You taught me a lot of things. You want to know what else you taught me?"
Raph shakes his head. Mikey giggles.
"You taught me what to do when I'm mad at you." Mikey lowers his hand from his neck and plunges them into his collar. It's like three red hot pokers setting fire to every nerve. Raph screams and bucks.
He passes right through his brother. Mikey pulls up his hand.
"I'm so mad at you."
He pokes through his muzzle and into his jaw. The pain is worse than anything that the muzzle could possibly do. His eyes pool with tears that travel down the side of his face. He swings and his fist goes right through him.
Mikey laughs in a way that used to be endearing, light and mischievous. "See? Look at you. Can't hurt me now, huh?" He swirls his finger. Raph can't stop screaming. "You're soooo mad."
He pulls out his finger. Raph gasps like a drowning man, moving to try and get away from those blue eyes. Leo and Donnie's hands hover in the way. When he touches the black, every nerve goes ablaze. He drops to the ground, the chill of their hands sending goosebumps over his scales.
"We can't leave until you let us." Mikey tsks. "Can you let us go?"
"I can't. I can't I CAAAAAA-" Donnie and Leo grab his arms. His legs kick and his head tosses and he screams until his throat is raw. The agony is everything until it isn't, and he's sobbing as Mikey comes into view.
His youngest brother stares at him, watching his failure to compose himself. He runs a hand down the side of his face. It's like a razar with no wounds left behind.
"It should have been you." He cooes. "Why wasn't it you?"
"I doh-dohn't kno-ho-w." He can't breathe. He can't think. Everything is buzzing with pain. Help. Help. "Ple-hease, puh- pleeh-ss."
A soft growl, "It should have been you."
Raph nods, frantically, "I know! I know I know I know IknowIknowIknowIknowIknowIKNOW-!"
"Don't you love me?"
Of course he does. Of course he does.
"Mi-hi-kkey," He croaks. "'mso-hor-rry."
It plunges a limb into his chest, right into his heart.
"I don't love you." Mikey announces. He can feel it, beat, beat, beating in Mikey's hold. "You taught me to hate it. You want to know what that feels like?"
"No." He whimpers, "No- pu-plea-hease."
He squeezes. Raph bucks, staring at blue eyes, and wails.
His brothers laugh around him, louder and higher until it sounds like they're screaming with him. And still, somehow, he can hear them.
"Guess you know how it feels, huh?"
(-know how it feels-)
"Baby Raphie can't handle a little pain?"
(-handle a little pai-)
"We're just messing around!"
(-messing arou-)
"What's the big deal?"
("You should be dead.")
"What's the big DEAL?"
("I wish you were dead!")
"WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?"
("Why won't you die!")
"Why won't you die?!"
"WHY WON'T YOU DIE."